What Is Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) in Relationships?

Don't ask, don't tell (DADT) is a non-monogamy arrangement in which one or both partners have agreed to allow outside sexual or romantic connections, with the explicit condition that details aren't shared. Neither person asks about the other's outside connections; neither person volunteers information about them. The outside life exists; it's just not discussed.

The term borrows from the US military's former policy on gay service members, a policy that has an uncomfortable historical resonance that some CNM people note. Within CNM communities, DADT describes a specific agreement structure rather than a closeted or dishonest arrangement: both parties know it exists and have agreed to it.

Why people choose DADT

The appeal is real and worth taking seriously rather than dismissing. For some people, knowing about a partner's outside connections is more distressing than not knowing, the details trigger jealousy or anxiety in ways that general awareness doesn't. DADT allows a form of CNM that provides the practical freedom of outside connections while limiting the emotional cost of detailed awareness.

It's also common in relationships where one partner is more interested in CNM than the other, the less interested partner can maintain their preferred level of engagement (minimal) while allowing the more interested partner the freedom they want.

Some couples use DADT specifically for physical connections during periods of separation, long-distance situations, work travel, where maintaining a fully transparent open relationship would be logistically complicated and the level of emotional investment in outside connections is expected to be low.

When DADT works

DADT functions reasonably well in a narrow set of conditions:

When both parties genuinely prefer it. Not one person who would prefer more information but has accepted DADT under implicit pressure, and not one person who would prefer their partner not have outside connections but has accepted DADT as a compromise. The arrangement needs to actually reflect what both people want from CNM.

When outside connections are genuinely low-stakes. DADT is more viable when outside connections are casual and primarily sexual rather than emotionally significant. When outside connections develop into meaningful relationships, maintaining DADT around them becomes structurally strange, a significant relationship that simply cannot be named or acknowledged creates a different kind of strain than a casual connection.

When it doesn't require active deception. The line between "not volunteering information" and "actively concealing" can blur. If a partner asks a direct question ("were you with someone this weekend?"), DADT doesn't automatically mean lying in response, it means having agreed in advance not to ask. When DADT requires active dishonesty to maintain, it has crossed into territory that undermines its ethical basis.

When safer sex agreements are in place independently. DADT about emotional and social details is different from DADT about sexual health. Effective DADT usually still includes explicit safer sex agreements, both partners understand the testing and barrier practices that apply to outside connections, even while not sharing names, details, or emotional content.

Common problems with DADT

Using avoidance instead of communication. The most common DADT failure is using it as a substitute for the harder conversations that non-monogamy requires rather than a considered agreement that both people actually want. DADT motivated by "I don't want to deal with jealousy" rather than "I genuinely prefer not knowing" tends to produce delayed rather than avoided problems.

Information asymmetry and resentment. When one partner has a fuller, richer outside connection life than the other, which is common, given that CNM opportunities are not evenly distributed, DADT can produce resentment in the partner who has less. The less-connected partner knows something is happening but has no information, no context, and limited ability to raise their experience.

NRE seeping through. New relationship energy is visible. When a partner is experiencing NRE with someone else, it typically changes their mood, energy, and engagement even if the details are undisclosed. Pretending not to notice, or maintaining a fiction that nothing is happening, can create its own strain.

What happens when something goes wrong. If a partner has a sexual health concern, if an outside connection becomes emotionally complicated, if an agreement is violated, DADT creates an information blackout at exactly the moment when communication is most needed. Problems that would be manageable in a more communicative structure become crises in DADT because there's no established channel for raising them.

DADT vs other information structures

DADT sits at one end of an information spectrum in CNM. At the other end is full transparency, sharing names, details, and ongoing updates about outside connections. Between them are various intermediate positions: knowing that a partner has connections but not the details ("I know you're seeing someone but I don't need to know more"), time-limited sharing ("tell me things that affect me, not things that don't"), or specific-topic sharing ("I want to know about safer sex but not about emotional content").

Most CNM practitioners and ethicists treat full DADT skeptically, not because outside connection information must be shared, but because the complete information blackout tends to prevent the communication that CNM requires for things to go well. The intermediate positions, where relevant information is shared but partners aren't required to provide ongoing reports, often work better than either extreme.

Is DADT right for your relationship?

The honest question to ask is whether DADT reflects what you genuinely want or whether it's avoiding something you haven't worked through yet. If the answer is the former, you've processed your feelings about non-monogamy, you understand what you're agreeing to, and limited information genuinely suits you, DADT can be a legitimate structure. If the answer involves hoping you won't have to deal with the hard emotional work, DADT is more likely to defer than resolve it.