Why this is a distinct question
The best CNM dating apps for straight people are not necessarily the best for queer people. The user base composition of each platform varies significantly by orientation, Grindr is essentially invisible to queer women; HER has almost no straight men on it; Feeld sits in between. On top of that, CNM norms are different across queer and straight communities: non-monogamy is far more normalised in gay male culture than in mainstream heterosexual culture, and the queer community has its own relationship frameworks and vocabulary that don't map cleanly onto the straight CNM world.
This guide covers which platforms actually work, by orientation and relationship style, rather than assuming the CNM app landscape is the same for everyone.
Gay and bi men
Grindr, essential
Grindr is the dominant platform for gay and bi CNM men, and for a reason that's more interesting than just market size: non-monogamy is so normalised within Grindr's user base that it's a majority position rather than a minority one. "Open relationship," "partnered," and "looking" are standard profile configurations rather than confessions requiring explanation. For gay CNM men, this ambient social permission removes a significant amount of friction from the dating process.
Profile depth is limited and the format leans casual, but the reach is unmatched. Active in virtually every city where gay men exist, not just major urban centres. See our full Grindr review.
Scruff, leather and community-oriented
Scruff is Grindr's closest competitor, with a slightly more community-oriented culture and historically stronger representation of bears, leather-identified men, and those with kink interests. The Match feature attempts longer-term compatibility matching. Most active gay CNM men are on both Grindr and Scruff, they serve overlapping but not identical communities.
Recon, kink-specific
Recon is specifically for the gay leather, fetish, and kink community. Where kink and CNM overlap in gay male culture, which is frequently, Recon provides more targeted connections than general-purpose apps. Berlin and London have particularly active Recon communities.
Feeld, polyamory and CNM explicitly
Feeld has a queer-inclusive user base and explicit CNM infrastructure. For gay and bi men looking for explicitly poly-oriented connections rather than casual or open-relationship dynamics, Feeld provides more structure and depth than Grindr. The pool is smaller, but the intent is clearer. See our full Feeld review.
Queer women and non-binary people
HER, the primary platform
HER is designed for queer women, non-binary, and gender-diverse people. CNM is common within its user base, more so than on mainstream straight-oriented apps, and the community features (events, local groups) overlap significantly with the queer CNM world. Not CNM-specific in the way Feeld is, but the culture is far more CNM-normalised than Hinge or Bumble.
HER's user base is largest in major English-speaking cities, London, New York, Sydney, San Francisco, Toronto. In smaller cities, the pool can be thin. Worth being on if queer women's or non-binary community is your primary target.
Feeld, explicitly CNM
Feeld is genuinely queer-inclusive and handles multiple gender identities and relationship structures well. The CNM infrastructure, relationship structure settings, partner linking, desires, serves queer CNM users directly. In cities where Feeld has a real user base, it's often the best single platform for queer CNM women looking for explicitly poly or open connections. See our full Feeld review.
OkCupid, mainstream but CNM-aware
OkCupid has explicit non-monogamy settings and a large user base across orientations. For queer women, particularly bisexual women navigating both straight and queer dating, OkCupid's orientation and relationship structure settings provide more control than most mainstream apps. The match quality on CNM-relevant questions is real. See our full OkCupid review.
Bisexual people on straight-leaning apps
Bisexual CNM people face a specific challenge: the apps that work well for the straight side of their dating (Hinge, Bumble, OkCupid) don't work well for the queer side, and vice versa. The practical solution most bisexual CNM people end up with:
- Feeld, handles all orientations and relationship structures, limited by pool size
- OkCupid, best mainstream option with CNM features, works across orientations
- HER (for women/non-binary) or Grindr/Scruff (for men), for queer-specific connections
- Hinge or Bumble, for straight-side volume and mainstream reach
Running three or four apps is annoying but reflects the reality that no single platform covers all of this territory well.
Apps that work across orientations
Feeld
Feeld is the strongest cross-orientation CNM platform. It explicitly includes gay, lesbian, bi, queer, non-binary, and trans users, has relationship structure settings for CNM, and the community culture is more orientation-inclusive than most CNM spaces. The limitation is pool size, outside major cities, the active user base can be too thin to be a primary platform.
OkCupid
OkCupid's combination of CNM relationship structure settings and cross-orientation user base makes it the most versatile mainstream option. Not queer-specific or CNM-specific, but more thoughtfully configured for both than other mainstream apps.
By city
Platform effectiveness varies by location. Our city guides cover the specific app landscape in each:
- London, Feeld and Grindr both excellent; HER active; strong queer CNM community
- New York, Feeld, Grindr, and OkCupid all strong; large queer CNM community across boroughs
- Berlin, Feeld, Grindr, Recon, and Scruff all active; uniquely permissive culture
- Amsterdam, Feeld strong; Grindr active; Polyamorie Nederland covers the poly community
- San Francisco, Feeld, Grindr, and OkCupid all strong; historically significant queer CNM community
Full recommendations
| Orientation / situation | Primary | Secondary |
|---|---|---|
| Gay / bi men, CNM | Grindr + Feeld | Scruff, Recon (kink) |
| Queer women / non-binary, CNM | HER + Feeld | OkCupid |
| Bisexual, navigating both sides | Feeld + OkCupid | HER or Grindr + Hinge |
| Trans people, CNM | Feeld (most inclusive) | OkCupid, HER |
| Queer CNM, smaller cities | OkCupid + Feeld | Local community events |
For any queer CNM person: in-person community, local queer events, CNM meetups, poly gatherings, often produces better results than apps alone, particularly for longer-term connections. The shared framework is already in place, and relationships built through community tend to be more durable than app-only connections.
Related: Best CNM dating apps (all) · Feeld review · Grindr review · OkCupid review